Random Thoughts

Ok, I think I figured out part of my emotional mess.
It was really late last night, or really early in the morning depending on how you look at it and I had a thought.
One reason I feel like a failure is I no longer can meet one of my roles as a woman and frankly wasn't very good at it in the first place. I can't have any more children. I mean technically I could it would probably kill me and/or the baby. So it's not really an option but there is not medical procedure done to stop it except the IUD.
Now I have a SIL who I adore and think the world of and would never ever ever think she is less of a woman because she can't give birth to her children. She is amazing. I guess I am just naturally harder on myself.

But it got me to thinking more. Our family doesn't really fit in any where. We don't really fit into the infertility world. I mean we can get pregnant, staying pregnant is the issue after the number of miscarriages we've had and the 2 "successful" pregnancies so we're not considered in fertile.

We don't really fit into the adoption world either. We have biological children. I can't tell you how many times people have shrugged us off or looked down on us because ours was a in family adoption. (I'm probably being more sensitive about it then the people actually meant and I get that.) I get our adoption was easier and had less wait time then a lot of people. But comes with it's own unique set of  complications.

We don't really fit into the Foster world either. Marie because of her special needs was in foster through a sub contracted agency meaning we had different supports, trials, contacts, expectations etc. And with her special needs our foster experience is different than most. Also most foster placements are for shorter times, not 3 years. And in most cases aren't considered part of  the family but Marie is part of ours. So we don't really fit in there.

Because we have an adopted child, a foster child , and 2 biological we don't really fit into the traditional family either. I don't label my children like that, they are all mine. Not one more than another.

But I came to the conclusion I don't have to fit in anywhere but my little family. No stranger telling me I am a good mother will ever mean as much to me as Seth telling me he loves me. No person in a support group telling me that it happens in a lot of adoptions will ever mean as much to me as Chris squeezing my hand. And I have my sweet little girl who smiles when she sees me and that over powers the feelings of being a failure as a woman.

So now I just have to suck it up get over the emotional mess and move on it's time. Now if only my body can figure that out too.

More Dr. Visits

So the day Lexie had her 2 month checkup  while we were in SLC I had 2 appts and Christian had one.

We'll start with Chris, he saw the general pediatric surgeon to talk about having his tonsils and adenoids out. It was decided that his adenoids are so large the the surgeon didn't feel comfortable taking them out so he referred us to another more specialized ENT pediatric surgeon. So we saw him Friday and scheduled Christian to have his tonsils and adenoids out at Primary Children's in a few weeks.  The Dr wanted to do it this week, because with adenoids as large as Christian's it can cause problems with his ears, his palette, speech, and because it is causing Chris to have sleep apnea he's not getting enough oxygen and can cause developmental delays. But I just couldn't do it this week, Sam had to work and I can't do it by myself, Lexi's blessing is next Sunday and Chris wouldn't be up to seeing everyone. So we pushed it off to the week after but the Dr is out of town. So it's pushed back another week. So that's what's happening with Chris.

So for my Dr's appts. I saw first Doc and he cut my insulin way back, thinking that if I let my BS run high then when I drop lower it will be in normal range instead of the extreme low which makes me seize. Being High has it's own set of side effects though. Your body turns acidic and basically starts to eat itself away. And being that acidic it damages your eyes, nerves and kidneys. So this is not a plan that is going to last very long. But hopefully with it being high we can tune my levels better.

The second visit is worried that my hormones and nutrient levels are a mess so the recommended that I go on a liquid diet. That didn't work. I don't know if it did anything to my levels but I can't do a liquid diet. But we'll see.

Seth failed his eye screening at preschool so while we were at the Pediatrician for Lexie and Chris they did an eye screening on Seth again. He passed just fine. I think he didn't understand the test they did at preschool. They did the screen with the E facing different ways,  the one at the Dr's office was pictures.

So that's an update on all of our Dr's appts last week. We will survive!

2 Month Stats

Lexi had her 2 month check up and here are her stats
9 lbs 10 oz  20% percentile
22 inches long 30% percentile
Head Size 15 inches 30% percentile

Weight wise we are so happy she is gaining weight the mixing of the formula with the breast milk is working! She is on the growth chart, (which is great because Seth didn't make it on to the chart until a year old) So it's progress in the right direction.

She smiled a big grin at Dr. D.  It was so cute!

She is doing better without the oxygen so Dr D took her off that! Yeah another step in the right direction.

We are going to have a trial off her meds for the reflux. And see how that goes.

Dr D was very happy with her progress and so are we.

She's such a sweet little girl!

2 Months Already

To My Lexi:

Wow!  You are two months already.   Time is passing by so quickly.   I already look back at pictures of you and you seem so big compared to the size you once were.  You are no longer my teeny tiny newborn!

You are growing and changing everyday.  You started smiling a few days ago and I can't get enough of it.  My heart leaps each and every time I can get one out of you ... which can be a challenge at times!  You also have started doing the cutest little squeak to get attention.  It seems that you are discovering your voice more each day.  I will often hear you let out a little sigh or quiet baby coos.

You are a hot item around this house.  We all can't seem to get enough of you.  Your brothers ask constantly to hold you. Your brothers fight over who gets to give you back your binkie or who gets to run and get you the things you need.

My favorite time of the day with you is in the evening. Your brothers are in bed and you are wide awake. You will wiggle and smile. You are starting to try and grab things. After you eat one last time before you lay you down to sleep, I hold you.  I love to hold you on my shoulder, listen to you breathe, and smell your sweet baby smell.  I find myself kissing your chubby little cheeks over and over again until I force myself to lay you back down in your bassinet for the night.  Oh, how I never want to forget those precious moments we get to share together right now.



These last 2 months have not been easy, well probably the last year hasn't been easy on me. But you baby girl are so worth it. And I would not trade you for an easier moment any day.  You grasp my finger and remind me that  I can do this.  You snuggle into my shoulder and I am so grateful for you.

We love you baby girl!  Happy two months!

Epic Fail

Saturday Sam worked in the morning so I didn't have any one to tell me to slow down and I pushed my self to hard. I mowed the front lawn and part of the back. I painted some of the trim on the house, (Pictures to come) I cleaned the inside of the house, did laundry etc. We had worked in the yard most of the day Friday too. We, Sam mostly, put in a little patio in the front, moved wood chips, relocated rocks,  got the large garden spot ready. Planted Lettuce, Spinach, Peas, Beans, Kohlrabi, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, in the garden boxes. We weeded the flower beds and garden boxes. The 2 days of doing a lot was just to much for my body. So, because I was desperate to get the projects done before Lexi's blessing I called in some help. And Saturday afternoon Candace came over to help Sam finish painting. All was going smoothly. I was entertaining kids while they painted, feeling horribly guilty for having Candace to it.
They ran out of paint.
So I loaded up Seth and Lexi (Chris and Candace's kids were watching a movie) and we headed to Home Depot for more paint and a few other things. I tested my blood sugar before I left 148. That's a fine number, acceptable to drive and function normally. I drove the 12 blocks to Home Depot. A ten minute drive. And here is where my memory starts to come in and out.
I got to the Home Depot parking lot and for some reason parked on the far side. I was stuck in the car and couldn't figure out how to get out. I had my seat belt on. Decided I was going low. Ate the glucose tabs I had in my purse and got out thinking I would load the kids in a cart go inside and buy me some sugar and then finish my shopping. I opened the door for Seth, he stayed in the van. I went to go get a cart, one that looked like a race car.
Here is where my memory is really fuzzy. Apparently I fell a few times going to get the cart, Seth says the cart ran over me. I have some bruises and road rash. An older couple stopped and asked if I needed help. I told them I was low. They called 911.  I kept falling down they tried to make me stay on the ground but I wanted to be with my kids. The older woman went to check on them. Another woman stopped to see if any one needed help. I said I needed sugar,  She took a push pop from her kid and I ate it. She took my phone and called Sam.
An ambulance came, 2 fire trucks, 2 police men, and 1 highway patrol man. The emt's tested my blood I was 40 something. They helped my stand up and put me in the ambulance. And gave me lemon camel snot to suck on. GROSS! They tried to give me D50 and I wouldn't take it. They threatened a glucagon shot and I said I would freak out on them if they did.
By about this time I've been gone from my house about an hour. Sam had had a feeling to go in and get his phone just in case I called to see if he needed anything else and he got the call from the nice woman that told him I needed help. So he got on his motorcycle, left Candace with Chris and headed to Home Depot to rescue me.
The police man and fire man sat with Seth, they turned on the car so it wouldn't get to hot. Lexi slept through the whole thing. The police gave Seth a leopard beanie baby, rub on tattoos, stickers, and beach balls. Enough to bring home for Chris too.
I guess I kept showing the EMT's my knee because it hurt. I petted on of the EMT's faces while Sam was there. I made a complete idiot out of myself. Sam brought Seth to see me in the ambulance. Then he ran into Home Depot and got me a candy bar and a soda since I was not being real cooperative with the camel snot.
He came back and I drank some soda, ate some candy bar, the EMT's tested me again I was up to 60 something (they put a bandaid on my finger where they poked it it was neon and looked like it was from the 80's). So they released me to Sam.
About 1 hour and 45 minutes after I started my trek to Home Depot. I never did make it into the store. Sam just brought us all home. Lexi was ready to eat, Seth was traumatized, and hurt and was still a little loopy.
We made it home. And I didn't do much  the rest of the night.

Getting the projects I wanted done... Didn't happen even when I did break down and ask for help the projects got sidetracked because my body didn't cooperate... Epic Fail

I trip to the store to get supplies... not done because my body didn't cooperate... Epic fail

Traumatized Seth because he had to watch his mom look like she was falling down drunk in a parking lot putting him and Lexie at risk ... Epic fail as a parent.

I really do try. I tested first. I had glucose tabs. I just can't feel myself drop low any more.

I am just so grateful that  those nice people stopped to help. That I didn't kill anyone driving when I dropped low, that Sam was prompted to get his phone. That my kids were kept safe. 

So the situation turned out OK, I'm really embarrassed and this just reaffirms that fact that I'm failing as a parent. Somethings gotta change. I just don't know what else I can do. They tell me it will get better I'm just hoping it does soon because I don't know how much more of this I can take. Or how much more my little family can take.

Boys

"The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful."Author: E.E. Cummings 

He brought me a flower

A perfect summer day to a little boy means, a scrape on the knee, mud on his face and collecting bugs in garden.

He fell asleep pretending to call his Daddy on his shoe

"A boy is truth with dirt on its face, beauty with a cut on its finger, wisdom with bubble gum in its hair, and the hope of the future with a frog in its pocket."

I swear they get baths, have clean faces once in a while,  eat things besides cheeto balls, where pants sometimes, know how to do things besides besides roll around in the dirt, but you know what some days they look like this and I'm ok with that.

Her Future is so bright

She's gotta wear shades

7 week check up

So I had my post pregnancy check up.
What was supposed to be a quick in and out appt ended up taking up most of the day.
I had blood work done, an ultrasound, some other tests done.
There are some answers to why my body is having such a hard time but still so many "don't knows"

I am having 3 to 4 extreme blood sugar lows a week. Usually resulting in me seizing. But no one really knows why my body is having such a different reaction. I used to feel when I was dropping, but I'm not feeling it lately. Some days my insulin will work fine, the next day same amount I will be extremely high and then next extremely low. With no rhyme or reason. My OB/GYN, my Endo or me can't seem to find the pattern of what is effecting them so much. It's a guessing game. Which leads into a whole new thing, I'm terrified that I'm going to go low and drop Lexie, or be driving and crash with my kids, and make a total idiot of myself when people see me like that.So we haven't been getting out much. That and Lexie's breathing issues.

Multiple of my vitamins and other nutrients were extremely low. Like my vitamin D is supposed to be above 30 but it was at 4. So they started more meds to hopefully get my levels up to where they are supposed to be. I'm just not absorbing everything I need or nursing is taking what I have which were probably already low from the pregnancy.

One theory for the low blood sugars and low nutrient levels is that my body is having a hard time metabolizing enough to sustain me and make enough milk to nurse Lexie. And I will suddenly drop when my body does metabolize the food I have eaten. A common problem with long time diabetics is that their stomach will empty slowly, and sometimes spasm and empty all at once. But the meds for that you can't take while breastfeeding. So my stomach won't empty and then all the sudden spasm and will. Making me get all my nutrients at once and my  my kidneys and liver are having a hard time processing what I have metabolized all at once so it just moves through. I don't think I'm explaining it clearly but it's a theory. So you would think then stop nursing and see. Only problem with that is that Lexie takes breast milk (that I have pumped) mixed with the special formula powder. So she gets over twice the amount of calories as just nursing or just getting the formula in the same amount of eating, and getting over twice the amount is working for her because she is gaining weight like a average newborn (which is different from Seth because it took him forever to gain weight and he still is a little guy) You can't just double the amount of formula powder in a bottle or it makes it to thick and it's hard on her body to process. So we are looking at other options but I will do what ever it takes for her to get what she needs. But with the sudden metabolizing and the sudden drop in my sugars it's still being watched closely. And with the lows and not being able to process the nutrients I need and make enough nutrients to feed Lexie my body is exhausted and gives out quite frequently so I am not getting  a whole lot done lately.  Or I push my self way to much and do things like spend the day at the dr, next day at the zoo and tulip festival and the next at the UMNH and my body is just done and I ended up seizing a lot. I just want to prove that I can still do it. But sometimes even little things like getting my garden ready and weeded is too much because I had done so much the days before my body still gives out.

I have been heavily bleeding since the birth so my blood levels have been low and anemic. So hopefully that will stop with the IUD and I can make some more blood.

With the amount I was bleeding and the clots I was passing they ordered an ultrasound. There was a small piece of placenta that had come detached and hadn't been passed. So it was removed and sent for a biopsy to make sure the cells haven't turned cancerous. (I don't think it is I think they are just being cautious.) But with the piece removed I was able to get my IUD.

But, on the bright side the antibiotics I got for the ear, sinus, strep infection worked and that's all cleared up. 

Emotionally I'm still a mess. With that being said if you happen to be the one who tries to be helpful and offers me some sort of herb/oil/goatpoo tea that will magically cure me or tell me "oh I went through that and it's not a big deal." and I slap you I apologize in advance. (I understand that there are herbal things that can help my diabetes and other issues, I'm read many a medical study on it. and take some herbal supplements to help.  But it's not going to cure my diabetes even if it did cure your sister's husband's nephew's dog's second cousin twice removed's chiropractors daughter. ) 
 I am having a hard time feeling like I don't have control. I don't have control of my body, it's doing what it wants and I don't know how to make it better, I don't have control over having Lexie be able to breathe and I can't make her better no matter how hard I try. I push myself to do the things I was doing last year and my body gives out on me. I can't let go enough to sleep and not watch Lexie's monitor for fear something will happen, and when I do sleep I nightmare that something is happening. (so the Dr wrote a med for that but I haven't brought myself to take it yet.) I still feel horribly for my body giving out and not letting Lexie develop all the way and worry endlessly that there is something more than her breathing but only time will tell and I don't know that I will ever let it fully go. And doing things like spending the day at the Dr for me I feel horrible about because I should be taking care of my kids. And when I focus on taking care of me I do things like miss registering the boys for swimming lessons and tee-ball which in my mind just solidifies the fact that I suck as a Mom and need to step it up and do more. I just don't know if my body can. It makes me wonder if there is enough of me to go around. The Dr's say it will get better and I will rebound, but nobody can tell me when but say that most woman can rebound in 6 weeks it may take me 6 months and I'm not that patient.  

It's been a year since we found out we were pregnant, but not with Lexie. We had a miscarriage on Mother's day last year right before Lexie's pregnancy I hadn't really thought about it until I was looking at my history with the Dr at the check up. Oh what a year can bring.

So that's how my check up went. But this too shall pass and a year from now when I have rebounded I will look back and think oh what a year it's been.

The New Natural History Musuem

Because the Zoo and Tulip Festival weren't enough the next day we headed up to the New Natural History Museum.

 We met up with Uncle Matt. 

And ran into my Cousin Danny his wife Suzanne and their daughter Abby.

The new museum is so fun and had so many fun things for the kids to do. 

 The river exhibit to show how bugs move in the water.

 Dinosaur foot print

If I wasn't being such a germaphob I would have put Lexie in it for a picture but as we were walking over to it a kid sneezed all over it and she can't get sick.

 The under the ocean dinosaurs

 The floor is glass and you can see excavated dinosaur fossils

 Uncle Matt rides are always a favorite

 Look at the Dinosaur!

 Spending the day with Daddy is also always a favorite.

 A sand area to find your own fossils in

 Lexie came too she's not in very many pictures.

 A play area with live insects, and interactive toys, this is Seth's tree he built.

 The architecture of the building is really cool this is a set of stairs 3 floors up, but is totally open.

 Interactive weather exhibit

 Story Area

After the museum we headed to a play land for lunch with Uncle Matt and then headed home.
Later that evening Aunt Jodi came to visit (sorry I didn't get any pictures) and then Jodi, Lexie and I went to dinner while Daddy and the boys had a guys night. 

Tulip Festival

Sam and I hadn't been on a date in a while so after the Zoo Friday he took Lexie and I to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point.

 We never actually made it in to the actual festival. The zoo earlier, and the cold weather was just to much for Lexie and me so we tried to go to the museum in Lehi but it was about to  close so we ended up at dinner and then headed home. So here are a few of the random pictures we took at the area outside the garden.

First Trip to the Zoo

So it was nice out and the boys were going stir crazy, and Sam had the day off so we headed to the zoo. 

It was Lexie's first trip to the zoo. 

 At the Elephants

 The Lynx was up and wandering.

 Excuse how chubby I am it will get better

 At the Giraffes

 First time on the Carousel

 Seth got himself a Snow Leopard stuff animal with the money he saved. He named it Ohio. Why Ohio? No one knows.

 At the Gorillas

 Family on the train

And then the play ground.

 While the boys played Lexie and I sat on a bench and she ate. And then I went low and started to shake so Sam came and took her.

 After the zoo we headed down the hill to Sugar House Park and had lunch and the boys chased seagulls and ducks

After the park we headed home so Sam, Lexie and I could go on a date.