Lucille Esmeralda McGillicuddy

I am sad about Lucy.

More than sad I guess.

Sam and I have joked about how I would react to her passing, things like putting me on suicide watch because I would miss her so much. (no I'm not suicidal I'm just sad) He keeps saying I am handling it better than he thought I would.

Friday morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed and pout. It's not fair that my puppy is gone. But I couldn't Sam had to work, I have kids to take care of and we were headed down South for the weekend so I needed to get everyone packed.

I was grouchy. Seth at one point told me I needed to go to time out. I realized that my time outs, the moments I take to gather myself, were usually cuddled up next to Lucy rubbing her soft ears. That made me cry. She was my therapy.

As I went through my day I realized how much it hurt to have a part of me gone. As I sit here with the draft on my feet I miss how she still would curl up by me and I would snuggle my feet up under her. How she always stood by the dishwasher as I loaded it to make sure she didn't need to help prewash any of them. She was always right there. I found myself trying to go about my day and I would catch myself reaching down to pat her head, because it's always  right there by me. Checking on her before I went to bed she wan't there... her bed was empty. We got home from down south tonight and Lexi crawled around panting looking for Lucy. (Lucy would constantly pant, it's a dog's way of dealing with constant pain and Lexi started to copy Lucy as her sign for her) It breaks my heart.

I know it sounds over dramatic. And I know people don't mean to be insensitive when they say she was "just a dog." But they just don't get it. I guess very few people do.
Lucy was my constant companion for a long long time. My life was somewhat dependent on her. She saved me more than once. I trusted her more than I have trusted anyone. She knew me better than anyone. I told her things no one else knows. She could sense my blood sugar dropping by the scent of my skin. That's how well that dog knew me. We bonded. She was not just a dog, she was my lifesaver she was part of me. If you know me very well you knew Lucy too.

She wore her service dog vest and she went everywhere with me. Grocery shopping, she was there. Work, always there. Church, there. Sleep, there. Dates, there. She was part of me. And even after I retired her from being a service dog  that didn't mean she didn't alert any more, she was just to old to go out all the time. But when she was with me she knew her place, if at all possible on my left side as close as can be. (Why the left side because when I would take her out,  I could hold her leash  in my left hand and have my right hand free to do what I needed to.) When she was younger and she got into trouble I would tell her to go to her room and she would mope off until I came and got her. As she got older it would make her anxious to have lots of people around and now that  there are more of us to protect sometimes it just got to be to much. I would say go to your room and she would go take a break and come back when she was ready. If I called her by her full name she knew she was in trouble. Lucille Esmeralda McGillicuddy after Lucille Ball's character on I love Lucy. When she was a puppy she would hear it a lot, she like to chew up expensive shoes. 

She has influenced so much of my life the last 12 years. Every house/apartment we have lived in since 2002 was picked because, in part, of the fenced yard, how many stairs, etc because it had to be good for Lucy. The Subaru we bought was partially for safety ratings and part because the back was big enough for Lucy. The van, it could hold our stuff and it was low enough for Lucy. She is part of our family and we took her into consideration as much as anyone else.

She very much like her routine. She always got a treat before bed. There was a long time she had to have a walk as soon as Sam walked through the door, didn't matter if it was freezing or sweltering she wanted her walk. There was a few weeks when Seth was 18 months old that he figured out how to open the door and he would run away while I was in the shower. Lucy always followed him. She didn't run away other wise. She stayed with him and would try to direct him home. A few times a neighbor would catch them and bring them back. Most of the time they were in the next door neighbors yard, just sitting, they have nicer grass than we do.

So yes I am sad. My heart still aches for the part of me that passed. Knowing that there is a hole that will never be filled. But Lucy would never let me mope for long and all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. So one day soon I will move on and it won't sting quite as bad when I reach down to pat her head and she's not there.