4 months

To My Lexi:

It's time for your 4 month letter.  You are growing up too quickly.  I am truly treasuring each and every minute I get to spend with you.  I want to freeze time.  Make it so you can't grow up, and yet I know that isn't fair...or possible.

 Your breathing has improved soooo much this past month.  You are having fewer and fewer times where you turn blue. However the last few days, with all the smoke in the air from the wild fires, it's becoming harder for you to breath but you are strong and are going to make it. 

You love company.   Whenever you are left in a room alone, you talk out and scream until someone comes in.  You just need someone to be with you!  Your brothers are also really good at keeping you company.  Almost daily they surround you with toys and entertain you as best they can.  Quite often I will find one of them carrying you around.  This always gives me a small heart attack as I am afraid they are going to accidentally drop you, but you don't seem to be afraid and rather like them toting you around.




Your eyes are still a glassy blue. They are bright and twinkle when you smile. You are starting to find your giggle and squeaks. And it's so adorable. I just can't get enough of your sweetness.

You still aren't rolling over, although I can't help but think that you will be soon.  But truly I am okay with you not being mobile yet!

You are simply adored by everyone.  Happy four months Lexi!
Love,

Broken

I adapted the first part from a mom of a type 1 diabetic. 

"I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean and I can't swim. And as much as I want a break from eating, sleeping, talking, and dreaming in numbers and carbs and ratios, etc etc etc, I will never get a break. Ever. We need a cure. We need a cure like we need food. It can't come soon enough. Often it's a world where you are alone even when you have friends and family who are loving and supporting you. It's a world where you walk around people but no ones knows the silent war we are waging every day in our home.

 That is a favorite song of mine and often reminds me of our silent war we wage and everyone who fights the type 1 battle every day. You try to say what everyone wants to hear. Smile because that's what people want to see. When someone asks how you are doing, do they really care to know? Thompson Square sings a song called "Glass." One of my favorite quotes say, "We are fragile. We are human. We are shaped by the light we let through us. We break fast cause we are glass...Try not to judge me cause we walk down different paths." Type 1 is a scary disease. People are battling this disease 24-7. Without a break. We are soldiers. We are warriors. There is a battle being waged all across the world right now. A battle being fought by new soldiers too young to vote, too young to drink, too young to truly understand the fight they have been engaged in unwittingly and then there are us senior members of the army still fighting a juvenile disease. We have not asked for this battle, We wouldn't choose it knowingly. We fight. Without fighting, we die. I hope, I pray, I struggle through, so one day, hopefully one day soon, this battle is won. For Me and those who came before me and those who will come after, we will continue to fight."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard Type 1 diabetes is Juvenile isn't it? and your an adult. I have to explain that it doesn't go away just because I'm not a juvenile anymore.And your diabetes would go away if you lost weight wouldn't it? And I have to explain that type 2 can be controlled with diet and exercise but not type 1 my pancreas is not going to start magically working again if I lost 10 lbs. 

There are days that you feel alone as an adult with Type1. When I was younger I had camp friends, I went to the Primary Children's Diabetes Clinic every 3 months. And then you turn 18 and that all ends. I remember they gave me a balloon at my last clinic visit because I graduated... but I thought it was kindof ironic because I was still going to need the same care, I was just older now. Nothing in me had changed except my age, I was still a diabetic. I still have type 1 friends from camp that I can call if I get discouraged. But the escape of camp is gone a week away where every one was like me. 

Sometimes it's hard to not feel like you are forgotten. The face the of the disease is young kids because it's a juvenile disease. But there are still those of us who are still fighting the disease as adults trying to raise kids of our own while trying to do. It does get easier in some ways because you start to forget what life was like before the big D. And all the testing, shots, carb counts etc. all start to run together and just become a part of life. But even though it becomes daily life it still sucks.     

General Updates

Sam- he finally got the lump on his back looked at. About 6 months ago it was the size of a marble. Now it's the size of a baseball maybe a bit bigger (10cm is that the dr's are estimating the mass is but with the skin and inflammation around it it looks bigger). We scheduled the surgery to have it taken out for the first week in July. Hopefully it's not the big of a deal and he'll recover quickly.
He's still working a lot but is doing really well. He started teaching a new program in the mornings and is having a great deal of success with it.

Seth- Is rambunctious as ever. He's into everything, and is having a little bit of a hard time because I haven't take them out as much as I normally do. He is really smart and needs to be challenged more, he is excited for school to start again and we are trying to work out a way for him to attend more days next year.
He started drinking alot, peeing alot, and lost a little bit of weight in a matter of days. We watched his blood sugar it was elevated he was spilling moderate amounts of keytones. So we took him to the Dr. I was sure he had diabetes. But his a1c was normal. It turns out that his kidneys were having a hard time concentrating his urine and weren't flushing out all the sugars in his body because of an infection. So we got him meds for that and he seems to be doing better.

Christian-  Is doing better since the tonsils and adenoids being removed. Him and I spent an afternoon at Primary Children's ER after they were removed because he got very dehydrated. (Chris is not much of a sweet eater. So getting him to eat pudding, jello, Popsicles, ice cream etc was a challenge)  But after some IV fluid and some morphine he did a lot better and isn't snoring nearly as much and his follow up with the Dr 2 weeks ago went well and they said he was about 98% all healed up.
Chris is excited to start school at the end of the summer. He loves to play base ball and since the next door neighbors got a sprinkler system that doesn't leave as much for Papa Mogel to do so he will sit out with Chris and pitch him the ball over and over and over again. The both seem to enjoy it.

Alexandria- Right now she has a cold so we are watching her breathing closely. She is starting to play and interact more with toys and smiling a lot. She still isn't rolling over but that will come I'm sure. She has her 4 month checkup next week so we will see what the Dr has to say about her the only thing I'm a little worried about is her gaining weight, so we will see.

So that's an update about us.

Raising A Hobbit

Hobbits like to eat and so does Seth.
He gets up around 6:30am and he has first breakfast that will consist of a bowl of cereal while the rest of us wake up.
Then about 7:30-8 am he will have second breakfast that contains at least one egg usually two. Two patties of sausage, and 2 four inch pancakes with butter and honey.  (if we don't have pancakes then it's 2 waffles, or 2 piece french toast or a large bowl of oatmeal with fruit in it.) 
About 9am he gets third breakfast, which is usually an apple with peanut butter, or cheese and crackers, or a yogurt and pediasure. 
then about 10am maybe 10:30am he will have a PB and Honey sandwich and an apple or banana.
11:30am- Noon. he will have something carb heavy like noodles with sauce and carrots
 And that doesn't include the glasses of milk, juice and water, Popsicles, other random things he can find to eat in between when I feed him. If he is eating this much as a 4 year old I don't know how we are ever going to afford feeding him when he's a teenager. 
He eats a lot. He plays a lot. 
He is a very curious kid. He thinks very concretely. Like I had Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the TV one day while I was in the shower and he told me it was a ridiculous show because it made no sense. Where are Pete's parents to teach him to be nice. And why does he not get a consequence for naughty choices and don't even get him started on the Mouskatool. I think he doesn't like it because there is no end to him it's the same mistake over and over again. But he will occasionally sit and watch something like Spiderman (the super hero powers don't bother him) He says it makes sense because it has an end and the bad guys get in trouble. It's more logical to him in some way.
But if he has a choice of what he wants to watch it's usually something like Mythbusters, or the child animal documentaries. (Occasionally he will watch Phineas and Ferb because they build cool stuff)
He loves to go to the zoo and learn the animals names, Lemon the howler monkey, Daisy the Skunk Squirrel etc.  He loves to know more about stuff like it's not a parrot its a scarlet macaw and he can tell you where they live outside the zoo. He loves the planetarium too.  He likes things that are logical and scientific.
Yesterday we were blowing big bubbles. I put corn syrup in the bubble solution to help the bubbles be bigger before they pop and we had to look up why that worked. And we made Gak last week and he wanted to learn about viscosity.
The kid loves science at Preschool but music he says is boring. Unless you sing something like the periodic table of elements to the tune of 10 little Indians.
The kid keeps me on my toes and is so very very curious and hard to contain. But man do I love that little boy and hope he never ever stops asking questions.

Suckin' it Up

So I've had a couple people ask how the whole postpartum depression was going. Because last I put on here I was just going to suck it up and move on.

And that's pretty much what I did. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments, but you let it go and move on. I went of  the anti depressant that the Dr had put me one. I take enough meds I didn't need one more. (They work for some people and that is great for them, and I've taken them and had them work for me too. No judgement here if you take them I'm just saying that right now for me they weren't the right choice)

I just decided to change the way I was thinking.

I was discourage because Lexi was having problems I started focusing on the fact that she was here and what a blessing that is.

I was getting discouraged about my health, and was letting my diabetes control me. So I started doing something about it.  I control my diabetes not the other way around.

I realized that I was letting my negative thoughts ooze out into my kids. I never want Lexi to be as negative on herself as I was with me. And I'm her example so that had to change.

I didn't want my boys to ever talk about woman the way I was talking about myself. So that needed to change. So Sam says I started to self medicate with positive self talk.

I was sitting around waiting for some one else to come in and make me feel better, to get that validation from some one else, and it wasn't coming (at least I didn't see it I had plenty of people tell me that I am a good person). So I decided I had to see it and just changed the way I focused on things. At one point I remember praying that the "feel good fairy"  that was making it's way around the neighborhood would stop at my house because I wanted it to point out something good about me. But the thought came maybe I was spending to much of my time focusing on me. What was I doing to make other people feel good about themselves. So I started to do little things to change that. I mean it's been just little things because some times my body still isn't cooperating but it's still something and service makes me feel better and hopefully the other person.

I started listening to music that makes me happy. One song I started listening to multiple  times a day is "Happy Girl"

I used to live in a darkened room
Had a face of stone
And a heart of gloom

Lost my hope, I was so far gone
Cryin' all my tears
With the curtains drawn

I didn't know until my soul broke free
I've got these angels watching over me

Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl

I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside
Feeling so left out

Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile
And my lighted fuse

Now every time I start to feel like that
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat

Laugh when I feel like it
Cry when I feel like it
That's just how my life is
That's how it goes

Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
And I've come to know
That the world won't change
Just 'cause I complain
Let the axis twirl
I'm a happy girl


It just started to make sense to me.
I needed to quit complaining, and count my blessing because there are so many. It was just changing the way I thought about things. And that's what's been working for me.
I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else but it does me so I'm just sucking it up and moving on. 

The 80's Rock

I wanted to throw Sam a fun Birthday Party. 

He's a child of the 80's.

He once made a comment that he like that the end of school dance usually fell around his birthday.

So I threw him an 80's Dance Party! 

Kendall and Kelly came down from SLC and DJ for me. 

Doug let me borrow his hot light for pictures. 

I spray painted a background.

Guests brought cookies to share,

And we danced! 

We took pictures

 Setting up.

 Our Dance Pic

(Sam's outfit needed a little umph I admit, but it was like the 3rd outfit I had gotten him and he didn't like any of them and told me it was a waste of time money because he wasn't going to wear it again. so I gave up and this is what he ended up with)

 The group

 The Ladies

The guys

And we had so much fun!

Kids on the Move

Sam has done quite a bit of volunteer work for Kids on the Move (the local early intervention program). Some during his free time and some for work, and some as the President of the Pacesetters group for the Chamber of Commerce. 

So Friday Kids on the Move had their big fundraiser called "Play it Forward." Groups can buy team spots to compete in all of these events. One team was short a player so Kids on the Move asked Sam to come and play. 

The boys and I went and watched a few events and cheered him on. 

He did the Rock Climbing Wall, Soccer, Frisbee Golf, and Basketball before we got there. 

We watched him compete in the Obstacle Course. He did the Wagon leg of the course, meaning he pulled another team mate in the Wagon, weaving around the trees. 

 But while they were waiting for the race to start he practiced pulling the boys around.

 Other legs included the crab walk,

 Here is Sam's wagon pull

 There were 5 other legs too but I didn't get pictures of them. The last leg was the tube roll.

 The next event we saw was Laser Tag. Sam got the most hit of anyone in their game.

While Sam played laser tag the boys watched him and the UVU baseball team practice.

 

 After we left he competed in Dodge ball, Tug O' war, and a few other events. They fed him lunch and then he got to come home. He was sun burnt, bruised and sore but had a great day.

the Aviary

With our Pass of all Passes you  can get in to the Aviary free on Mondays. So on Monday we headed up to the Tracy Aviary with Damon and his Mommy.

 We saw lots of birds

 We watched the Bird show. Marie even got to hold the Toucan.

The boys played in Owl Forest.

Then we had lunch in the All Ability Park and the boys played on the splash pad. 

It was a fun day out.

Another Trip to the Zoo

Sam took his birthday off back in May, So we had to do something fun. The boys wanted to take Daddy to the zoo. So that's where we headed for the day.

 

 

 The boys remember that the Gorilla pooped in his hand while we were there and then played with it.

 This zoo trip for Sam's birthday wasn't quite as exciting as the trip a few years ago when he got to be a zoo keeper for the day and play in the monkey exhibits. But it was still a good day spent together.